The Most Feel Good Nosensical Rant you're likely ever to Read

I'm a bit of a dreamer, an idealist, when people say that something terrible has to take place because that is the way life is I am always quite keen to ask, "Does it really have to be that way?" Then they either go straight to calling me naive and laughing at me like I'm a child.

The grass, it's greener.

The funny thing is that I can say without even a glimmer of doubt that all these people who laugh at me are themselves dreamers, naive, hell even delusional. However the dreams of these individuals are not occupied by images of a better world, one in which compassion is considered a strength, no. The dreams of these individuals are full of brand name consumer electronics, hockey games, money, and women with really great tits. Dreams of things that are supposed to make there lives so much better than they are now.

They search endlessly for the next item, the next good fuck, or the next chemical experience that will give them another shred of happiness. But happiness gathered in this way is like constantly pulling flowers from the garden, eventually they wilt and die. These people end up ultimately miserable when the shine of their new toy wears away. They constantly live in a nightmare of their own creation, chasing fantasies they can never catch.

Sometimes though they catch their fantasy and then they find out that it really isn't as great as they thought it would be, that it really was only a mirage. They find out that porno perfect woman they picked up at the bar actually sucks in bed, or that their families are all a bunch of vultures when they come into that lottery win. And even when things do work, like that brand new 60 inch 3D flat screen they've been dreaming about, the novelty wears off pretty damn quick.

Of course it may sound rather arrogant to say I know this as a fact, and perhaps I'm wrong, but the signs that we all do this surround us every where. And I even do this, though less than I used to, and less and less every day I'm relieved to say.

I've begun recently, after a very long period of some very important lesson, to learn that I am the only one that really controls my own happiness and that it is really naive to think that anything outside of me can change that. And the strangest thing of all is that this slow realization is creeping into every part of my life.

Instead of expecting my job to make me happy, my happiness makes my job enjoyable (or at least more so than before). It makes the hard days and the grumpy customers easier to deal with.

The happiness starting in me makes every nectar soaked kiss with a wonderful girl all the more sweet, even when her hair gets in both our mouths.

This happiness makes me more open to let the world show me what opportunities are out there for me to find, opportunities to discover new things about the world and myself.

And I think it's pretty damn naive and foolish to keep looking for happiness in empty places when I can already create it, and I think it would be pretty selfish to keep it for myself.

Charles Bradley: Magical Black Man

Separated at birth?

Charles Bradley is a magical black man, or I should say that he is one to me, and there is a very good reason why this man is my personal Bagger Vance or Ellis Boyd Redding. 

You see when Mr. Bradley really hits those notes, when he really pours out his soul in a song, he mashes up his face just like in the picture to the left, and he ends up looking like one of the California Raisins.

I first noticed this while I was at Starbucks waiting for my venti Chai Tea Latte with an extra pump when I grabbed one of those little "Pick of the Week" iTunes

cards they give out for free. That is the first time I saw Mr. Bradleys wonderfully puckered face,  and almost immediately I mentally shaved him bald, stuck a pair of over sized dress shoes on him, and slapped a bow tie around his neck. Without even giving it a second thought I turned Charles Bradley into Tiny Goodbite, lead singer of the Raisins. Beyond giving me a really good chuckle, the image manage to dig up some interesting memories from my childhood. And this folks is where the Charles to raisin transformation becomes important. 

Me thinks yes.

I didn't grow up rich, or even that well off, so most of the toys I owned were garage sale purchases. Old Transformers, random Lego sets, the occasional comic character, and of course the California Raisins. I couldn't afford to get whole sets of new toys, don't get me wrong I was lucky to even have toys, but I often had to improvise. Believe me trying to come up with a reason why Wolverine was standing face to face with a singing dancing Raisin took all of the muscle my little imagination could muster. Yet imagine I did, and with great joy as well, Wolverine even managed to get his ass kicked more than once by the piece of sentient dried fruit known as Tiny Goodbite Destroyer of Worlds. Ha ha, he could shoot fireballs. Good times.

Anyway, for being able to take me back to so many good memories of care free fun from my youth, Charles Bradley will always be my magical black man. 

Also his music is pretty damn good too.

 

Greatest Hits

Youtube is truly a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

I have a love hate relationship with Youtube, although it tends to veer more towards the hate side of things for the most part. You can imagine that I rarely spend much time there, and it's true I only head that way when I'm feeling particularly masochistic.

Mostly my visits to Youtube are rather painful, but very rarely Youtube manages to do something other than erode the bedrock of my will to live, and when that happens I mark the occasion by bookmarking the page.

So today I've selected four videos which for various reasons have made there way on to my greatest hits list. So enjoy or don't, I mean you might hate Youtube more than me.

Greatest Death in a Badly Dubbed Kung Fu Flick

The movie Iron Monkey is a passable piece of Hong Kong martial arts cinema; the fight scenes are what you expect, the story is overdone, and the dubbing is terrible (which works in its favour actually). So why at any point would this film garner a greatest anything?

Because a dude is offed with a grape.

Yes you read that right, a man is killed with a grape, and you can see it by skipping over to the 5 minute and 55 second mark and watching till 6 minutes and five seconds.

Did you watch it? Awesome isn't it? Death by grape. It's made even better by the look of extreme disappointment on the bad guys face when he realizes that the Iron Monkey didn't fall for his grape attack. Pure comedy gold.

Bonus! Watch from 6 minutes 40 seconds, things get a little ridiculous at that point.

Greatest Example of Homicidal Rage in the Animal Kingdom

Hamsters aren't the most exciting pets, they pretty much just eat, sleep, get fat, and run on that little wheel of theirs. Turtles are cooler. 

Of course there are exceptions to every rule,

I didn't know that hamsters did this, hell the worst I've ever received from a hamster is a little nibble when the little bugger thought my little finger was food. But this evil little hamster, well he loves the taste of flesh, either that or he hates communists and mistook the Russian youths in this video for a bunch of pinkos. Easy mistake to make. 

Greatest Example of Cross Species Nicotine Addiction

Kittens are fantastic, they do cute things, they look cute, and I'm sure that they taste delicious. When they have a crippling nicotine addiction though, well the cute goes real quick and they tend to become tough and stringy. That's why any responsible pet owner will do there best to help their itty bitty kitty kick the habit before it gets this bad,

I think the cute little kitty needs a cute little intervention. 

Greatest Example of AWWWWWW SOOOOOO Cute!

Warning the following video may result in cavities and type 2 diabetes because it's soooooo sweet!

Don't judge me, I just gave you three videos in which people and animals were either attacking or dieing in hilarious ways. So I am allowed at least one of these.

 

OMIGOD SO CUTE! I want one.

The Question that Drives me Hazy.

I have in my life remained stagnant; part of the reason is that I didn't move forward  was because I didn't know exactly who I was or what I believed. I searched for my beliefs in books, in friends, in family, everywhere I could. I made many mistakes along the way, correcting course many times over when I found myself in error. 

Only now do I really feel like I'm starting to discover who I really am, or maybe I always knew, perhaps I've been guiding myself all along. Or have been guided by an internal operating system whose job it was to separate the new and useful beliefs and ideas from those that were junk. 

Regardless, who I am is more clear to me now than ever before. However I'm not there just yet, because a new question, a new conundrum has presented itself to me like a fork in the road where the sign has become worn and illegible from age. 

Is what I've become to believe right? Or is it wrong?

Is what I believe proper conviction or confusion? 

Faithfulness or fanaticism? 

Where do my beliefs stand on the spectrum? 

I ask myself this because I've noticed in my dealings with other human beings that no one really ever asks themselves this question. Well maybe some do, but I've already shown you prime examples of people who obviously fail to look at themselves, and what they believe, critically. 

I don't want to do that, I don't want what I believe to become out of control, I don't want to be a fanatic. I want what I believe to be a source of goodness, of strength, and I want to use my conviction to help others. Before I can do that though I need to know that I'm not infected with the unique (or not so unique) insanity that so many are.

How can anyone be certain, I mean truly certain, that what they believe and what they do because of it is right? How can I know that I won't take a step too far and do something that ends up being against the grain of my very being?

Did you know that Einstein was one of the driving forces behind the beginnings of the Manhattan Project? Einstein was a staunch pacifist, but with Hitlers rise to power in Germany and the threat of Nazi development of the Atom bomb looming, Einstein shed his pacifism to encourage the United States to develop the bomb first. Before his death though Einstein admitted to a long time friend, "I made one great mistake in my life — when I signed the letter to President Roosevelt recommending that atom bombs be made; but there was some justification — the danger that the Germans would make them..."

Without Einstein's interference, the Manhattan Project might never have come to be, and the Allies could have lost the war. Despite this Einstein still greatly regretted what he had done, about how he had to substitute his most closely held belief of non violence for a belief that helped to kill so many people.  

It's not stupid to compare the choices I will ultimately need to make with what Einstein faced, one day what I decide could very well determine the fate of another human being or the lives of many people. 

Or perhaps I'm being overly critical myself, or maybe everyone else simply isn't critical enough., more likely it's a mixture of both. That is why I wish Einstein was alive right now so I could ask him a question,  a question that sometime drives me hazy; am I or the others crazy?

All hail the King!

HAIL! HAIL! HAIL!

Rejoice my fellow serfs for election results are in and as I so aptly predicted (see this) we now have a new Conservative majority  government. 

I would like to congratulate Prime Minister Harper-

Wait sorry, as of this writing I have just received an official government email telling me to now refer to PM Harper as King Harper. So I would like to congratulate King Harper on his majority government, and I would like to say as a new subject that I am very much looking forward to the lavish wedding he will have put together for his son one day. 

I would also like to thank every one who voted for our new monarchy, it's good to see that in this age of "enlightenment" that good old fashion fear mongering, misdirection, and deceit still work on the electorate. All of you Conservative voters showed me that my plans for world domination are still possible.

In the end I am glad that the majority of voters out their decided that a little thing like contempt of parliament concern them. After all, the only MPs that need to be able to do their jobs are Conservative MPs, other duly elected MPs don't need access to information that Conservatives are supposed to give them. Why giving those opposition MPs the ability to do their jobs and work for the voters who put them where they are, would almost be democratic, that simply won't fly in a monarchy.

So in short, good job, keep it up, and don't blow up the world before I manage to die. Now if you'll excuse me I need a very stiff drink.