My Little Buddies Pt. Deux

So when I last wrote about my Little Buddies, those tasty little satsuma mandarins with joy filled hearts, they were at the mercy of some sick individual whose soul is as black as tar.

However I have good news, my surviving Little Buddies have managed to escape, in quite the most colourful manner I should mention. They even sent me a picture to commemorate their escape, and it's quite dramatic to say the least.  

Mr. C on Tolerance

Strange Obsession with Genitals

I came to a rather disturbing realization the other day. My people, Chinese people that is, love penis.

Yup those are penises. I don't know what else to say.

They eat it, they powder it then eat it, they powder it then put it in pills, and they probably drink it in their tea (unconfirmed, don't wanna confirm it).  They do all this because they believe that consuming penis will make them more virile, help with their circulation, or fulfill some other bogus claim that has its roots in a time when people still wiped their ass with leaves.

Granted traditional Asian medical practices have put us on to some pretty cool stuff, like ginseng for example which actually does have some proven beneficial properties. The successes of these traditions though don't make up for the mistakes or the silly superstitions that spring out of them.

One Giant Sausage Party

According to a recent study done by National Geographic they were able to determine that the most average person in the world is twenty eight years old, male, and is of Han Chinese descent. Now that is cool and slightly frightening but why exactly are there so many bloody Chinese males in their late twenties floating around?

What China may look like in the year 2020.

Well the reasons are many but one of the major contributing factors, and the focus of this part of the post, is probably sex-selective infanticide. The short and terrible of it is that a child may either be aborted as a fetus or killed as a infant simply because they weren't the sex that the parents preferred. The reasons why anyone would do this are many, and all are pretty god-damned dim witted, so going through them would be pretty pointless.

Anyway this barbaric practice may have led to the current ratio of 113 males to every 100 females in China. This would officially make China the biggest sausage party on Earth, and according to estimates by the year 2020 there could be 35 million surplus males in China.

As a side note, economists have predicted that the period onward from 2020 is going to see a lot of growth for Kleenex and Vaseline in the Asian market, if you don't already have money invested in those products I suggest getting in now.

SIDE NOTE: While Google image searching for a funny image that captured the spirit of the term sausage party I had failed to set my search filter to strict. Never ever search for the term sausage party without your filter set to strict, just don't do it.

I'm not Going to Take it Anymore

I love the parts of tradition that bring families together and helps them celebrate the positive aspects of their culture. I do my best to be open to what I could learn from another culture, and I've grown as a person because of it. But I'm not a tolerant or open person when it comes to traditions that do more harm than good.

There are species being pushed to the brink of extinction so that a bunch of people with more money than brains can put powdered dick in their morning tea.

There are countries around the world where innocent lives are extinguished so that a family can have a son to pass on a name.

These practices and many others like them are simply sick and barbaric, and one defense that is constantly brought up by supporters of such barbarism is that it's tradition. Well guess what, lynching black people used to be a tradition too, but that got thrown out when people realized that lynching anyone is a pretty dick move. We need to look at these traditions that we hold dear and ask, "Is this conducive to creating a functioning compassionate society, or is it leading to countless numbers of needless deaths?"  

If you end up going with the latter, then maybe it's time for a change.

My Little Buddies

I don't think that I can ever eat an orange again. I just couldn't bear it, my guilt would drive me over the deep end. 

The joy brings tears to mine eye.

Before you go and start believing that I may have come unhinged just hear me out. Today while working away whistling happily to myself I happened upon a bag of tangerines, whose brand name was Little Buddies and the bag was adorned with a picture of three very merry looking  little tangerines. They were so joyous and gay, one was dancing, while another laughed, and the third was just smiling at his friends. They were so full of life, of hopes and dreams. They looked like they were ready to conquer the world, with "friendship!" as their battle cry and mirthful laughter as their weapon. If someone were to create a contest in which contestants had to most accurately portray the joys of life and incredible mirth, our Little Buddies would beat the Dalai Lama like a red headed step child. No joke.

This is where my dilemma comes in, how could I devour something so cheerful? When I think about eating one of them I just imagine his little look of bliss turn into a twisted face of abject horror as he realizes that I've just consumed his frontal lobe. It leaves me feeling more than a bit guilty. 

Why can't getting my daily allotment of vitamin C be more easy and less guilt ridden?

UPDATE! June 11th, 2011

This morning some cruel and thoughtless, nay I should say monstrous, human being sent me this picture with the words, "Thought you might find this funny..." in the email.

OH GOD NO!

I am horrified and speechless as I stare at this image straight out of my worst nightmares. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and cry while sitting in the fetal position.

Detestable Delectables

There are things out in the world that no one in their right mind would eat, like rail road spikes, live power lines, or my grandmother's terrible, terrible cooking. Then there are foods out there in the world  that are generally accepted as fantastic.

But then there are the foods out there that straddle the line. These foods might look absolutely god awful, like something crawled on your plate and died a slow agonizing death from eating something as equally ugly as it, but these foods can still be tasterific. And today's post ladies and gents is dedicated to two of my favourite foods (of many) which aptly fit the category of what I like to call Detestable Delectables. 

1. The Dim Sum Treat

BOCK!?

For those of you not in the know Dim Sum is essentially Chinese brunch, but instead of eating eggs Benedict and washing it down with a nice mimosa, we eat different kinds of proteins stuffed into dumplings and wash it down with cheap Chinese green tea. Which I'm pretty sure means that it has been cut with something toxic that will either render me blind or dead. 

Anyway, we don't just eat dumplings though, we also eat sticky rice, which is various proteins shoved into steamed rice, black bean steamed short ribs, and one of my favorite all time items, chicken feet.

So here is the skinny on these skinny little treats.

Pros:

- Fried or steamed, sometimes both, then simmered in black bean sauce. Pure awesome.

- They are all flavour, as you'll mainly just be eating chicken skin, and everyone knows that the skin is the best part.

- If you are full and you have two left you can always dance them across the table, or if you only have one you can always use it to traumatize a small child. Both of these things I have done, and they are fun, fun, fun!

Cons:

- It's kind of morbid eating something that is clearly and easily identified as having come from a chicken. 

- It's a guilt trip thinking that you are eating the feet of a now amputee chicken, less so when you realize that the rest of him probably went the same way, or more so I suppose. Crap now I feel like a jerk.

- Try not to think about where those feet may have been when they were still attached to the chicken... You thought about it didn't you?

- It's feet for fucks sake, who the hell would choose to eat feet? Besides me?

2. No it's Not.

Another one of my favourites from my childhood is a dish that is very close to my heart and the hearts of literally billions of people around the world, congee.

Hmmm that looks... Wait what the hell is that?

Now congee, which is actually known by many names in many languages, is at its most basic level nothing more than a small amount of rice that has had the ever living shit cooked out of it. If you ever over cooked rice you know that it tends to get a little mushy, and if you took that mushy rice and cooked it further then you eventually would get congee. Now either during or after the cooking you would add all sorts of lovely and not so lovely ingredients to the mix. Ingredients like salted fish, green onion, mushrooms, chicken, and just about anything else that you might have in the kitchen. Which makes sense because congee was eaten largely in the past as a famine dish because China doesn't have a real stellar history of taking great care of its people, shocking to say the least. 

So here is the low down on the this lowly dish.

Pros:

- It's tasty.

Cons:

- In some of the languages that have a name for congee, that name translates out to "rice gruel". There is a reason for this, it looks like gruel. It is seriously one of the most ugliest things you will ever eat, or won't eat given my enthusiastic endorsement of the dish.

- It has the consistency of warm, chunky snot. If that isn't appetizing I don't know what is.

- They will charge you five dollars for a bowl of the stuff, and it really only takes about fifteen dollars to make a huge pot of it yourself. It's easy to make too, a lobotomized monkey with one arm and severe radiation poisoning could prepare it. Not hard.

- People, if I was not raised eating the stuff, I would sure as hell not willing eat it today.

That concludes our little culinary adventure for today, I hope you enjoyed it and managed to keep your appetite. Stay tuned for the next installment of Detestable Delectables which is my "things that should never have been dunked in a deep fryer" segment. Until later.

The Most Feel Good Nosensical Rant you're likely ever to Read

I'm a bit of a dreamer, an idealist, when people say that something terrible has to take place because that is the way life is I am always quite keen to ask, "Does it really have to be that way?" Then they either go straight to calling me naive and laughing at me like I'm a child.

The grass, it's greener.

The funny thing is that I can say without even a glimmer of doubt that all these people who laugh at me are themselves dreamers, naive, hell even delusional. However the dreams of these individuals are not occupied by images of a better world, one in which compassion is considered a strength, no. The dreams of these individuals are full of brand name consumer electronics, hockey games, money, and women with really great tits. Dreams of things that are supposed to make there lives so much better than they are now.

They search endlessly for the next item, the next good fuck, or the next chemical experience that will give them another shred of happiness. But happiness gathered in this way is like constantly pulling flowers from the garden, eventually they wilt and die. These people end up ultimately miserable when the shine of their new toy wears away. They constantly live in a nightmare of their own creation, chasing fantasies they can never catch.

Sometimes though they catch their fantasy and then they find out that it really isn't as great as they thought it would be, that it really was only a mirage. They find out that porno perfect woman they picked up at the bar actually sucks in bed, or that their families are all a bunch of vultures when they come into that lottery win. And even when things do work, like that brand new 60 inch 3D flat screen they've been dreaming about, the novelty wears off pretty damn quick.

Of course it may sound rather arrogant to say I know this as a fact, and perhaps I'm wrong, but the signs that we all do this surround us every where. And I even do this, though less than I used to, and less and less every day I'm relieved to say.

I've begun recently, after a very long period of some very important lesson, to learn that I am the only one that really controls my own happiness and that it is really naive to think that anything outside of me can change that. And the strangest thing of all is that this slow realization is creeping into every part of my life.

Instead of expecting my job to make me happy, my happiness makes my job enjoyable (or at least more so than before). It makes the hard days and the grumpy customers easier to deal with.

The happiness starting in me makes every nectar soaked kiss with a wonderful girl all the more sweet, even when her hair gets in both our mouths.

This happiness makes me more open to let the world show me what opportunities are out there for me to find, opportunities to discover new things about the world and myself.

And I think it's pretty damn naive and foolish to keep looking for happiness in empty places when I can already create it, and I think it would be pretty selfish to keep it for myself.

Charles Bradley: Magical Black Man

Separated at birth?

Charles Bradley is a magical black man, or I should say that he is one to me, and there is a very good reason why this man is my personal Bagger Vance or Ellis Boyd Redding. 

You see when Mr. Bradley really hits those notes, when he really pours out his soul in a song, he mashes up his face just like in the picture to the left, and he ends up looking like one of the California Raisins.

I first noticed this while I was at Starbucks waiting for my venti Chai Tea Latte with an extra pump when I grabbed one of those little "Pick of the Week" iTunes

cards they give out for free. That is the first time I saw Mr. Bradleys wonderfully puckered face,  and almost immediately I mentally shaved him bald, stuck a pair of over sized dress shoes on him, and slapped a bow tie around his neck. Without even giving it a second thought I turned Charles Bradley into Tiny Goodbite, lead singer of the Raisins. Beyond giving me a really good chuckle, the image manage to dig up some interesting memories from my childhood. And this folks is where the Charles to raisin transformation becomes important. 

Me thinks yes.

I didn't grow up rich, or even that well off, so most of the toys I owned were garage sale purchases. Old Transformers, random Lego sets, the occasional comic character, and of course the California Raisins. I couldn't afford to get whole sets of new toys, don't get me wrong I was lucky to even have toys, but I often had to improvise. Believe me trying to come up with a reason why Wolverine was standing face to face with a singing dancing Raisin took all of the muscle my little imagination could muster. Yet imagine I did, and with great joy as well, Wolverine even managed to get his ass kicked more than once by the piece of sentient dried fruit known as Tiny Goodbite Destroyer of Worlds. Ha ha, he could shoot fireballs. Good times.

Anyway, for being able to take me back to so many good memories of care free fun from my youth, Charles Bradley will always be my magical black man. 

Also his music is pretty damn good too.

 

Greatest Hits

Youtube is truly a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

I have a love hate relationship with Youtube, although it tends to veer more towards the hate side of things for the most part. You can imagine that I rarely spend much time there, and it's true I only head that way when I'm feeling particularly masochistic.

Mostly my visits to Youtube are rather painful, but very rarely Youtube manages to do something other than erode the bedrock of my will to live, and when that happens I mark the occasion by bookmarking the page.

So today I've selected four videos which for various reasons have made there way on to my greatest hits list. So enjoy or don't, I mean you might hate Youtube more than me.

Greatest Death in a Badly Dubbed Kung Fu Flick

The movie Iron Monkey is a passable piece of Hong Kong martial arts cinema; the fight scenes are what you expect, the story is overdone, and the dubbing is terrible (which works in its favour actually). So why at any point would this film garner a greatest anything?

Because a dude is offed with a grape.

Yes you read that right, a man is killed with a grape, and you can see it by skipping over to the 5 minute and 55 second mark and watching till 6 minutes and five seconds.

Did you watch it? Awesome isn't it? Death by grape. It's made even better by the look of extreme disappointment on the bad guys face when he realizes that the Iron Monkey didn't fall for his grape attack. Pure comedy gold.

Bonus! Watch from 6 minutes 40 seconds, things get a little ridiculous at that point.

Greatest Example of Homicidal Rage in the Animal Kingdom

Hamsters aren't the most exciting pets, they pretty much just eat, sleep, get fat, and run on that little wheel of theirs. Turtles are cooler. 

Of course there are exceptions to every rule,

I didn't know that hamsters did this, hell the worst I've ever received from a hamster is a little nibble when the little bugger thought my little finger was food. But this evil little hamster, well he loves the taste of flesh, either that or he hates communists and mistook the Russian youths in this video for a bunch of pinkos. Easy mistake to make. 

Greatest Example of Cross Species Nicotine Addiction

Kittens are fantastic, they do cute things, they look cute, and I'm sure that they taste delicious. When they have a crippling nicotine addiction though, well the cute goes real quick and they tend to become tough and stringy. That's why any responsible pet owner will do there best to help their itty bitty kitty kick the habit before it gets this bad,

I think the cute little kitty needs a cute little intervention. 

Greatest Example of AWWWWWW SOOOOOO Cute!

Warning the following video may result in cavities and type 2 diabetes because it's soooooo sweet!

Don't judge me, I just gave you three videos in which people and animals were either attacking or dieing in hilarious ways. So I am allowed at least one of these.

 

OMIGOD SO CUTE! I want one.

The Question that Drives me Hazy.

I have in my life remained stagnant; part of the reason is that I didn't move forward  was because I didn't know exactly who I was or what I believed. I searched for my beliefs in books, in friends, in family, everywhere I could. I made many mistakes along the way, correcting course many times over when I found myself in error. 

Only now do I really feel like I'm starting to discover who I really am, or maybe I always knew, perhaps I've been guiding myself all along. Or have been guided by an internal operating system whose job it was to separate the new and useful beliefs and ideas from those that were junk. 

Regardless, who I am is more clear to me now than ever before. However I'm not there just yet, because a new question, a new conundrum has presented itself to me like a fork in the road where the sign has become worn and illegible from age. 

Is what I've become to believe right? Or is it wrong?

Is what I believe proper conviction or confusion? 

Faithfulness or fanaticism? 

Where do my beliefs stand on the spectrum? 

I ask myself this because I've noticed in my dealings with other human beings that no one really ever asks themselves this question. Well maybe some do, but I've already shown you prime examples of people who obviously fail to look at themselves, and what they believe, critically. 

I don't want to do that, I don't want what I believe to become out of control, I don't want to be a fanatic. I want what I believe to be a source of goodness, of strength, and I want to use my conviction to help others. Before I can do that though I need to know that I'm not infected with the unique (or not so unique) insanity that so many are.

How can anyone be certain, I mean truly certain, that what they believe and what they do because of it is right? How can I know that I won't take a step too far and do something that ends up being against the grain of my very being?

Did you know that Einstein was one of the driving forces behind the beginnings of the Manhattan Project? Einstein was a staunch pacifist, but with Hitlers rise to power in Germany and the threat of Nazi development of the Atom bomb looming, Einstein shed his pacifism to encourage the United States to develop the bomb first. Before his death though Einstein admitted to a long time friend, "I made one great mistake in my life — when I signed the letter to President Roosevelt recommending that atom bombs be made; but there was some justification — the danger that the Germans would make them..."

Without Einstein's interference, the Manhattan Project might never have come to be, and the Allies could have lost the war. Despite this Einstein still greatly regretted what he had done, about how he had to substitute his most closely held belief of non violence for a belief that helped to kill so many people.  

It's not stupid to compare the choices I will ultimately need to make with what Einstein faced, one day what I decide could very well determine the fate of another human being or the lives of many people. 

Or perhaps I'm being overly critical myself, or maybe everyone else simply isn't critical enough., more likely it's a mixture of both. That is why I wish Einstein was alive right now so I could ask him a question,  a question that sometime drives me hazy; am I or the others crazy?

All hail the King!

HAIL! HAIL! HAIL!

Rejoice my fellow serfs for election results are in and as I so aptly predicted (see this) we now have a new Conservative majority  government. 

I would like to congratulate Prime Minister Harper-

Wait sorry, as of this writing I have just received an official government email telling me to now refer to PM Harper as King Harper. So I would like to congratulate King Harper on his majority government, and I would like to say as a new subject that I am very much looking forward to the lavish wedding he will have put together for his son one day. 

I would also like to thank every one who voted for our new monarchy, it's good to see that in this age of "enlightenment" that good old fashion fear mongering, misdirection, and deceit still work on the electorate. All of you Conservative voters showed me that my plans for world domination are still possible.

In the end I am glad that the majority of voters out their decided that a little thing like contempt of parliament concern them. After all, the only MPs that need to be able to do their jobs are Conservative MPs, other duly elected MPs don't need access to information that Conservatives are supposed to give them. Why giving those opposition MPs the ability to do their jobs and work for the voters who put them where they are, would almost be democratic, that simply won't fly in a monarchy.

So in short, good job, keep it up, and don't blow up the world before I manage to die. Now if you'll excuse me I need a very stiff drink.

Breaking News!

Why care?

Holy crap it's a busy news week! Crazy BUSY! Lots of exciting news so let's get started!

The Royal Wedding

The world's richest welfare recipients are due to welcome a new member to their family today as Kate Middleton and Prince William tie the knot. Congratulations you two, now stay the hell out of Canada so I don't have to pay for you to come here and smile at people. The question here is not who cares about the royal wedding, the question is more so why should we care?  

May 1st Election

The NDP have taken second! The Liberals are furiously trying to play up the issue of NDP candidates vacationing during an election! Mean while the Conservatives are preparing their victory dance for when they discover that they won the majority, this because people don't give a crap about Contempt of Parliament more than their pocket books. Even though Contempt of Parliament is a pretty serious charge; essentially it's like being in contempt of democracy, but hey who needs democracy when you have a little extra cash to get shit faced on Saturday? 

Work Safe B.C Rule Changes

Making a difference for whom exactly?

If you are unfortunate enough to work at either a gas station or a convenience store in B.C, then you know that by law if you are working late you are doing so with a coworker, or with a nice sheet of shatter resistant barrier between you and the customer. This is just in case some nut case decides to pop in for a late night stabbing, or just in case you decide to have an unplanned heart attack right in the middle of your shift (unscheduled heart attacks eat up productivity).

Now clearly this rule (law?) is far too costly to implement in terms of construction and man hours, or at least that is what WorkSafeBC spokeswoman Donna Freeman said as she stuffed her pockets full of bribe money. Ok that last part was a joke, I am not at all implying that many powerful and rich entities have anything at all to do with fundamentally changing a law that costs the these entities lots of money. Not at all.

I have a question I would just love to ask miss Freeman, have you ever had a junkie throw dirty needles at you? Spit on you? Throw large heavy objects or their fecal matter at you? Try and stab you? Stupid question as the answer is probably no, or at the least not recently. Working in a nice comfy secure office for a great salary tends to keep you away from junkies, crack whores, and other assorted criminals. I'm willing to bet that none of the office staff at WorkSafeBC can claim any of these things that I listed above, but I can bring you a whole handful of people who work pretty seemingly innocent jobs who can. Most of them work in convenience stores, and being accosted by maniacs is not in there job description.

Wait though I am clearly being too hard on WorkSafeBC, after all they aren't repealing the law (rule?) that helps to protect workers from the crazies, no they are simply adding a third option that employers can choose instead of installing a barrier or having two employees on shift. The third option, hilariously called a violence prevention program, includes but is not limited to,

• Installing a time lock safe, which most convenience stores and gas stations already have.
• Video surveillance, which most convenience and gas stations already have.
• A panic button that a security company or the employer monitors.

I think that the WorkSafeBC crew need to check the dictionary for the word prevention. Prevention implies that something can be stopped before it happens, but every measure that I've listed is either reactionary or prevents theft but not necessarily violence. Take the time lock safe, how is a fancy safe supposed to keep an employee from a good stabbing? It won't, but it sure does protect the money. And if video surveillance is so good at preventing violence then where the hell does the sight Crookstube.com get all their damn footage? I also imagine that panic buttons are fantastic for calling for help after or during a violent crime but it's a piss poor way to prevent one.

Many good reasons.

Here is another problem with the proposed third option; why would employers choose to do something more expensive for their workers when they can do the minimum and get the thumbs up from the provincial government? They have no reason to do the right thing and many pink, blue, and green reasons to do less than they are required to do now.

The onus is on employers to create as safe a work experience for their employees as possible, no matter what the job is or how much or how little they pay them. Prevention is also the job of WorkSafeBC, and it appears that they are thinking of shirking their responsibilities.

Vote me for Emperor

So the NDP (New Democrat Party) have recently edged past the Liberal Party for second behind the Conservatives in the polls, which now makes the NDP a real contender for the first time in a real long time. So  as sure as a fat kid likes cake the Tories and the Liberals set on the NDP like a pack of wolves on a sweaty fat kid who likes cake.

Now I don't really care who is attacking who, I don't care cause I'm not voting for any of them, I'm throwing away my vote on the Greens. Why I'm bringing up these attacks is because I recall remembering that the Liberals and Conservatives were at each others throats far more before the NDP picked up steam. That before the NDP were a threat both parties went at each other using inflammatory attack ads.

It's just non stop name calling, finger wagging, and bullshit posing. I for one am tired of it, and I'm sure there are many people out there who are as well. So I propose we solve the problem one of two ways,

1. We stop taking it, actually demand better. Tear the whole thing down if we have to and build it right back up. Cut out the crap, cut out the corruption, cut out the bribery and scheming, just cut it all out like a big fat puss filled tumor. Why shouldn't we? Everyone is sick of this garbage, everyone but those who stand to profit of course. So let's do it, let's rip it all down.

2. Or we could make me emperor, or king, no wait, definitely Emperor of Canada. I run on platform of not being a dick, and beheading every politician my Royal Guard can find.

So in this election don't settle for less, stick with the best, vote Mr.C for Emperor! You could do worse, hell we already are.

Me, pictured above.

Stone Cold Crazy

So some days I have trouble holding on to a single thought, actually most days I do, and today was one of those days. I thought of many things while I stood vigilantly at my post today, trying my best to hock aged white cheddar to octogenarians. The age white cheddar didn't go so well but the severe boredom I experienced gave me the opportunity to retreat into my mind and neglect my work by becoming lost in my thoughts. What follows is what I brought back from my little mental walkabout.

Making everyday more entertaining

I have some ideas to make work days more exciting for everyone. One I want there to be another colour on the light, it will be blue and when the blue light comes on people can do what ever they want. They can get out of their cars and dance on the hood, moon everyone in sight, or do lines of coke right off the dashboard. The blue light will last for an unknown period of time each time, and if you are late for work all you need to do is tell your boss, "Blue Light".

Hell yes!

Give us the right to challenge rude people to duels, with the person challenging being allowed to choose any non-lethal ridiculous object as the weapon. Like cucumbers, or large bags of marshmallows. The loser has to apologize to the winner. I would challenge people to duel with foamy swords.

Free beer for everyone, even the children, especially the children. Maybe they would stop crying if they were drunk.

Jeans day? Boring. Novelty hat day? Bingo.

I Used to Enjoy Elections

I never really gave much thought to how important it can be to keep your election choices to yourself. I never get bent out of shape about the choices other people make, why should they get bent out of shape about my choices? Stupid, stupid, stupid. People want excuses to get bent out of shape, and one of my coworkers was very kind to demonstrate this fact for me today. Like I said, I was dumb enough to mention who I was voting for, which she took incredible offense to. This didn't throw me off though, no my coworker would say something that scared me even more. Here is a brief, paraphrased version of our conversation,

Mr.C: Ok so you don't care for my party because you think the party leader is a bitch? But you'd vote for your party despite all their recent improprieties and scandal?

What Crazy will look like in 20 or so years.

Crazy: Yeah, every party has its scandals, that's politics.

At this point another coworker of mine comes in.

Mr.C: Hey N, <recaps everything that has occurred up tell then>.

N: Every government has scandals, you could start a government and you would have scandals.

Mr.C: Governments only have scandals because we allow them to, they only get away with these things because we let them. We need accountability and greater transparency.

N: The government can't tell us everything, if they did it would be chaos in the streets. What if the world was going to end in 2 years, no 2 months would you want them to tell us even though it would result in mass chaos?

Mr.C: Yes, wait no, what? How does that example even apply? You're taking the most extreme situation in which no one wins anyway and saying that it proves me wrong even though there is no desirable option in that situation. That doesn't make any sense.

N: It still applies.

Crazy: That's right!

Mr.C: Ok then since you both are so keen on the extremes, let me give my own example.

Crazy: Oh shit here we go!

Note: Apparently me expressing myself during such a conversation is unforgivable enough of a crime to warrant an outburst.

Mr.C: If you are both so keen on the government controlling things for our own good then why don`t we just abolish democracy, take away voting rights, have one party decide everything, anything they want, as long as they are doing it for the country? Does that sound good to you both?

Crazy: Yeah, it would make things easier.

N: Why not?

Mr.C: Well then let's do it.

Crazy: <In the smarmiest way possible> I guess we can agree on something then!

What the fuck? Why even vote if you don't give a shit? WHY!? Why participate in a democracy if you would be fine with having all of your rights and freedoms stripped away from you? It doesn't make sense. Jesus I almost pine for a Starship Troopers style democracy where only people who are serious about becoming citizens get the right to be, and everyone else can be happily vapid. Unfortuntely that would still be an authoritarian regime, so I have to oppose it on principle.

And I used to like elections.

On Proper Etiquette when Sampling Free Goods

Don't love them too much, or that's a stabbing.

Here are some very important etiquette tips when you are visiting your local sample dispensary.

1. Be polite, say hi, thank you, and please. Just remember your manners, it's important to do this as the samplers are often given big knives and you don't know when they could snap.

2. Don't take more than one or two samples. Taking eight is definitely out of the question, remember big sharp knives, plus frayed nerves, equals stuck pig.

Just two easy tips to remember to make your next experience at the sampling table fun, tasty, and stabbing free.

This was my day, I hope you enjoyed it more than me.

Survivng the Dead Wind

No, you are not.

When people discuss preparing for the inevitable engagement with the undead they often speak of material preparedness. They speak of what weapons they prefer, what provisions they have stockpiled, and what defences they have built around their hide away. They say they posses what they need to stave off thirst and hunger, to combat illness, and to destroy the undead. But they ultimately lack what is most needed to fight the undead and truly survive. They lack the knowledge and the tools to defeat the greatest threat during any crisis, themselves.

This may sound confusing, how can anyone be a greater threat to themselves than walking death? It is simple, the walking dead can be killed easily enough, destroying the brain will suffice, and with how slowly they move the undead may as well be piñatas. It is not the zombie that kills, it is a lack of control, of nerve, and of focus. It is despair which kills, anger that kills, hate that kills, it is anything that robs you of the ability to quickly kill your enemy and move on that means your death.

To survive the walking plague you must know yourself in a way that most do not, you must learn to reign in destructive emotion, and you must train your focus in a way that you see everything but your mind doesn't dwell on any one thing.

As it was said in the Art of War, if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperilled in a hundred battles. If you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one. If you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperilled in every single battle.

Future Perfect?

Who ordered the ham on rye with a side cesar?

The future; flying cars, space ships, steaks sprouting out of pills when you "just add water". Many fantastical things come to mind when we think of the future that humanity will have, and we tend to see ourselves as a part of it, riding shot gun in this amazing future world. 

You and I will never get to be part of that world though, not just because we'll all likely be dead before any of the really cool stuff is invented, but because in one hundred to two hundred years time (perhaps even sooner) people like us will be considered obsolete. People like us will become a new class of disenfranchised.

Science has already reached a point where it has changed the way we communicate, the way we purchase goods, how we gather information, and how we wage war. Despite all it has changed in our lives however, it still has yet to dramatically change how we define what it is to be human. Whether you measure "being human" through our physical capabilities or limitations, or whether you measure it through how we perceive our world and what is beyond it, science will change what being human means. 

Soon you and I will be able to have subdermal microchips implanted in our bodies to ease the process of purschasing goods in stores, and passing through areas requiring ID. This is not far off, these things could be in major use within our lifetime. If you were to pair seamless integration of hardware and the human body, with the constant progress in miniaturization, you would get thousands of life changing applications. Go a step further and add in advanced robotics, think nanobots, tiny machines capable of working within a human body. With advanced nanobots we could overcome so many human limitations, disease wiped out, growth of muscle tissue without even looking at a weight room, super human ability to heal. Think even of the way electronic devices communicate through blue tooth, what if the nanobots could transmit information to another individuals nanobots in a similar but more efficient fashion? It would eliminate any need for traditional vocal communication, anyone with a nano shot could send information directly to the brain of another nearly instantaneously. This is not just science fiction, it can, and given the nature of scientific progress, will happen. 

Of course nanotechnology capable of making us super human is far off, and sounds a little hokey, but what about gene therapy? A method of treatment where disorders caused by genetic abnormalities can be treated by altering or replacing the defunct gene itself. Think about it by tinkering with our genes you could wipe out a good portion of the disorders on this list. And this by the way is not just science fiction, no it is happening right now.

This is your future boss.

Think about the craziest shit you can and chances are good that at some point in our future we will be able to do it or create it, and anyone who is lucky enough to be apart of these coming technological break through will be better for it. They will be able to become so much more than what we are today, in nearly every way, they will be post-human. But if the world these post-humans live in runs on a scarcity based economy then that means someone will have to go without, someone will go without all the technology that will redefine the human condition. These people will occupy the lowest rungs of society, and they will be people no different than you or me, but they will be treated as second class citizens.

This is what happens in our world, whole countries are exploited because they aren't as industrialized as another nation, or don't have as large an army. Because in some way they don't fit in the top rung of the order of our world. They are considered apart from us because they are poor and backward, and one day in some scarcity based society in the future people will be considered apart from one another because one group will be post-human while the other is merely human.

I haven't studied all the trends, and I'm no futurist, so maybe I'm wrong. Then again perhaps I'm not, and at that point every one of us needs to be an amateur futurist and start asking tough questions about the ethics of all our progress. Maybe we need to ask tough questions about the control corporate entities have over our genome, or the control they have over genetically modified seed. Because such things will affect the course of sceince, and what science needs is a conscience, a guide, not a bottom line.

Unready.

No one would be able to tell you with a straight face that our world is a perfect one, or at the very least I have yet to meet anyone who can. I mean it's obvious that it simply isn't the case, besides the whole idea of perfection being unobtainable it's also obvious with all the pain, suffering, and unneeded death that surrounds us everyday.

Everyone deals with this grim reality in different ways, some choose to do nothing, surrendering to the idea that it's simply how the world is. Others try and change the world, they protest, they volunteer, or they dedicate their lives to social activism.

Personally, I waffle. Much of the time I choose to do little to challenge the injustices of this world, but occasionally I do lend my voice to a cause or give my time and money to those that need it. Why I don't do more is not out of laziness, more of caution.

I try not to become obsessed with things that I cannot change. Unfortunately there is much I can't change, for the simple reason that many of our problems are a result of other people that I cannot control. Sometimes I am tempted to become angry with those people, tempted to hate them, sometimes I even wonder why these people fail to wake up and see what the hell they are doing. I even entertain the thought that such people may be stupid or foolish, I am however quick to abolish such thoughts. For I always realize that at that point I'm not talking about helping the world or humanity, but I'm focusing on myself instead. I'm selfishly focusing on how I think the world should work.

At that point the goal shifts from helping others, and alleviating suffering, to satisfying my own ego by pushing my vision. This is how ego works, it's like an evil genie, it can turn your wishes of good intentions against those who were the original recipients.

A fine example of this is my last post, Furious Fanatic Fanfare, where I put up exerts from Youtube of people who believe that Islam must be destroyed at all cost, for the good of all. It can be said that many on that comment board could just be hate filled bigots looking for someplace to toss out their garbage, but how many on that thread believe that what they are fighting for is going to help everyone? Probably more than we would like to believe. They are even willing to force others to accept their cause, which is made sorely evident in how they responded to my opposing view. A response which was paranoid, violent, and spiteful. This is what happens when one loses sight of the true goal of helping anyone, which is to help them and not force them into capitulation. Helping someone is not about force, no, helping someone is about giving freely and without expectation, it should be about true compassion.

This is perhaps why I still have yet to find my true path in life. Perhaps I have to help people, but I know that I'm not ready to do it just yet. I still am tempted by that little voice that wants me to look down on people who I see as part of the problem. I am still tempted to become angry with those who are unwilling to change. I am still tempted to follow a vision of a utopia rather than follow true compassion.

I must help myself before I can help anyone else.

Furious Fanactic Fanfare.

Ignore the shirts and this picture is rather nice.

I'm sad. I am saddened. I'm saddened because so many people give in to hate. They let it corrupt them to the point where even a word spoken to them in kindness is taken as an attack, and they respond violently in turn. They let their hate blind them to anything but the focus of their hatred and it poisons everything they do.

They are fanatical in their hatred, and like any fanatic they can find any number of reasons to justify their fanaticism. They claim the truth led them to their "belief" but in truth it is their hatred that led them to their "truth".

I've had a recent run in on Youtube with a group of particularly venomous fanatics while trying to speak of hatred and love, the following are exerts from the comment page of a rather hate filled diatribe posted on Youtube. Enjoy.

From 79Gaulish

"Going by Mr. C's logic logic, if you're being raped, love the rapist until your love overtakes the rapist and the rapist comes to understand the inhumanity of rape. That goes for murderers, too. Excellent logic. I now understand you. When you are under attack, don't fight back. Show love! Wow. Brilliant. Take your nonsensical bullshit and feed it to the birds. We are under attack, whether over or covert. Our future is at stake. Take your foolishness elsewhere."

A better man than I.

I did speak of love in my posts but contrary to 79's post I wasn't speaking of pacifism. Although I admire figures like Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi I can't say that I could react like they might have when faced with violence, in fact I make an admission in a comment that came before the above comment,

"...I have faced this very same hatred before for being the child of a mixed union. I know what it is like to face violent hatred, forgive and walk away, I also know what it is like to face that same hatred and have to fight."

We could say that perhaps 79gaulish didn't catch that part of my post, but how could he miss it when he responded to every one of my comments within minutes of my posting them? Perhaps he did miss it, or perhaps he chose to ignore what I had said because it simply doesn't fit into how he feels about me. However perhaps some other comments of his will clear up this confusion. 

From 79Gaulish

"It would surprise me none if you are a Muslim in disguise. If you aren't a Muslim pretending to be a non-Muslim, you are a pathetic excuse for a human being."

Well that clears it up, he obviously doesn't like me very much. Still let us give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that 79Gaulish just misinterpreted my message of love. So we will take a look at two other things that 79Gaulish had to say.

I said I want a Big Turk, not that I am one!

From 79Gaulish

"Take lessons in rational thought. Maybe then you'll truly understand the meaning of love. I think I have you pegged. You're from a Muslim family, but you're no longer a Muslim in the belief sense. But you relate to Muslims because you have family who are Muslim, so it only makes sense as to why you would defend that evil ideology. From one of your posts, I'm going to guess you're a Turk. Probably in the U.S. Either way, you're only fooling yourself about Islam. "Denial"."

"It's not a religion, but a political system. The intent of Islam is to bring the world under its rule. Anyone, including yourself, that claims otherwise is either ignorant of the facts or engaged in taqiyya. I have no doubt you are Muslim in some way."

According to this man believing that love and understanding are more desirable than war and hatred, is far less rational than jumping to the wild conclusion that the person you are talking to is a terrorist sleeper agent out to destroy your freedom. Simply because he disagrees with you. Holy shit, mind blown. Oh in case you didn't know taqiyya is basically a safe word clause in Islam where by an adherent can pretend to not be Muslim if he or she in danger because he or she is Muslim. So yeah he believes I'm a Muslim, in disguise. To this charge I responded,

Bacon is my naughty, smokey Mistress. Sorry Lei Lei.

"If I am a Muslim in some way then I can tell you that I'm not aware of it. And I've loved bacon since the day I was born, so this whole bacon love affair thing isn't a cover up."

If you can't reason with them, crack a joke. Unfortunetly this wasn't the end of the accusations, another user Bravo21 took up the cause known as personally insulting attacking Mr.C.

Bravo21

"Your name sez it all really...and your psycho-babble, ignorance of the Bible and denial of Islam Today & current events is laughable. I suppose your Pompous-Poser schtick goes over well with the latte sucking losers your surround yourself with, but to those of us who have lived and worked in the middle east, your self-absorbed mumblings is understood for the utter bullshit it is, and rightfully scorned. Simply put, You have no fucking idea what you are talking about."

Once again sometimes you just need to joke.

"...They don't suck lattes they prefer coffee black, I'm the latte drinker."

Unfortunately I go off and do something stupid like mention how I would actually feel safe in a country that was primarily Muslim, a country like Turkey (whose government has a secular mandate).

Bravo21

"Agreed...its all Taqiyya, psycho-babble, and shallow self serving garbage masquerading as wisdom. When ever I hear anyone spouting this crap, I check my wallet.

Islam is a cult of submission and slavery...Freedom is something they simply do not understand."

William Wallace is wondering why I hate freedom.

"I dont' think "turk" here is too sanguine with our freedom to hate, especially evil things. Why does't s/he love freedom? S/he's here trying to "fix" us and our love of freedom. Hmmm Notice how muslims have a HUGE problem with the founding principle of our country, which is that the INDlVIDUAL is sovereign. This is utterly anathema to islam (theo-totalitarianism.) I can see why this turk poster has a problem with our freedoms & the foundational principle they're based on."

 

Because I don't believe in freedom in the exact sense that Bravo21 believes, I am a Muslim Turk and I hate freedom. According to him as well speaking out against hatred is a violent attempt at "fixing" all the people on the comments board. I wouldn't "fix" them even if I could, it is up to each of us to grow and better ourselves and no one can do it for us, the most they can do is point us in the right direction. I'd also like to spend time to point out the hypocrisy between what Bravo21 says and what he clearly believes about wiping out Islam, but to most it should be pretty obvious.

Now I have a lot more material than this, hours worth of hate filled rants, but quite frankly I've burdened you enough with far too much negativity. So these will be the last two comments I will post and I promise we will end on a high note so hang in there.

79Gaulish

"You are without a doubt ignorant of the facts. You vomit moral equivalency. You are truly deaf, dumb, and blind, and I feel sorry for you. As I've explained in my other posts, there are two types of Muslims. There is the aggressive, who further Islamic expansion through violence. Then there is the passive-aggressive, who further the expansion by infiltrating your communities, academia, and government. But all share one goal - to bring the world under the rule of Islam."

According to this user their are only two types of Muslims, those who convert by force and those who

This man, his wive, and his children are clearly terrorists.

covertly convert. Their is no in between, no other option, if you are Muslim this is what you are. You are nothing more than an enemy to be converted or killed. Well then I have to say I feel bad for this fine and funny example of a human being. Oh yeah and this man who I consider to be a beacon of journalistic integrity. Funny thing about absolutes is that when even two, or forty, or millions of examples pop up that stand contrary to your absolute, it kinda gets thrown in the trash.   


I'd also like to note that the use of the term moral equivalency is actually incorrect. Moral equivalency is the belief that ones side is by definition morally superior by who they are, not by what they do. Then there is the selective  use of history to cast the situation as a big-picture struggle against an evil power. Then comes the justification of atrocities of their own side by claiming it to be a lesser evil compared with allowing the evil power to have its own way. Thus any atrocities in this way become acts of good, not evil, like book burning. In short, pot meet kettle.

79Gaulish

"No Muslim can make a decision different from their faith under a Muslim establishment. You're trying to feed bullshit to a lion. It ain't going to work, pal. Feed that stuff to fools who'll eat up anything. Islam is evil. It's not a religion, but a political system. The intent of Islam is to bring the world under its rule. Anyone, including yourself, that claims otherwise is either ignorant of the facts or engaged in taqiyya. I have no doubt you are Muslim in some way."

The military is a very stringent establishment as well, one in which violation of given orders can lead to life in prison or execution. Yet people disobey the orders of their superiors in the belief that those orders violate the very fundamental principles that their organization represent, I imagine it happens more than we think. That's because all human beings are capable of making their own decisions, joining the military or a religion doesn't turn this off. This has to be true otherwise how could we have ever had the Reformation? The Renaissance? The French Revolution? People are capable of dissent, regardless of how stringent their belief structure may be. To deny that Muslims can't do this in regards to Islam is to deny human nature.

There is this little voice in the corner of the mind that tells us, what if they are right? And when that little voice speaks we need to be able to look at what is behind that voice, it's ignorance, fear, hatred, and despair. It is all the things that these fanatics have surrendered to. So we need to hush that voice and do as a good friend of mine said, we need to remember that we have no excuse not to love and support our fellow human beings.

And now for the high note,

I want one.